VN Ren'Py Surrendering to My Crush [v1.24] [BolskanLewd]

[bolskanLewd]

OK, I can immediately tell that I have quite a few issues with this. And before anyone tells me that "it's just fantasy" - I know. It's just that things like these break my own sense of immersion.

1. The MC, receiving a message on his first day, from a girl, who is also his crush. That's just a bit too convenient. Personally, I would've stretched the story a bit, maybe meet some other people, then make him meet her at a party or at a munch. Then make them realize they're both into the same shit, talk it out, and only later start going out.

2. Telling anyone you've met online your real name and address is a HUGE no-no. Especially if you've met an hour earlier and your dick is currently doing your thinking for you. Anyone expecting you to share your details should immediately raise a shitton of red flags.

3. Basically, the whole thing goes from zero to twenty way too fast. Now, it's fine when you are having a fantasy for the sake of a quick wank, but when you are trying to write a story, that's not good. Chastity itself requires a lot of trust. Not to mention, dick shrinking is a completely separate kink, you could be into chastity, but not into dick shrinking for example. Her just imposing that on him, with no talk about limits and no real knowledge of what he is or isn't into... No. Just no, mate.

4. On another note, we don't really know her. One thing I noticed with really good stories on this site, it's that they allow me to actually know the virtual fap material. Like, I can tell you that Rae from AHITR is a dorky, pun-loving slut who also loves teasing others, but is still mindful of their limits. I know that Kindra from Artemis cares about her parents and worries about her own impact on the world. Alex from Eternum has family issues, while Luna loves morbid jokes. More than that, I know that, not because the narration told me this, but because I've seen how they act. I'm not even gonna talk about The Last Sovereign, because that's a league of its own.

The only thing I know about Aiko - prior to entering a committed relationship with her, despite supposedly knowing her for years, is that "she makes MC's peepee hard". And we're talking about a story which concentrates on one, particular character, not on multiple characters like the other titles I've mentioned. My advice is: build the character up. Show MC's and FMC's day-to-day interactions, don't tell me that the MC has a crush on her, show me through his conversation with her and through his actions towards her. Show me how nervous he gets every time she gets close to him. How he has this internal conflict because despite wanting to be with her, he knows that his kinks would freak her out. Show me her little quirks. I don't know, she likes to take photos of weird-looking rocks or something. Make a character for cryin' out loud. Build chemistry before you get to the sexy times. It's gonna be slow in the beginning, but it's an investment that will return a thousand times more, I guarantee.

Also, one thing to consider is making branching paths depending on the kinks. I know that that's kind of what sexual domination is all about, but you shouldn't force people into kinks. I mean, you can, it's your story of course, but you are going to lose audience this way. Instead, you could make the player make a choice between two different kinks, with an option to choose both, for example. Real power exchange doesn't really happen without consulting these types of things anyway - let's say the Domme's heavily into golden showers, but they make me puke for example. Or that my main turn-on is pain, but she prefers TnD. You will never enter a relationship like that because you can't give the other person what they want. Sure, there are compromises to be had, but the foundation has to be more than just "I am into femdom". Saying that is like saying "I like movies". Well, what kind of movies? Which decade, which genre, which director?

Now, we all know why we're here, so obviously you are going to enter the relationship with the FMC. But because of that, she can't really have a solid set of turn-ons, and definitely not if they include the entire Wiki page for paraphilia. The reason is mostly because she... Well, she kind of exists through her audience. She is a projection of what the audience wants. So while two-three most common solids are good, the rest should be kind of optional IMO. It also helps to build character, just narrowing her down to only a couple fetishes. I mean, there are very few people who just throw the entire FetLife's kinks' list into their profile, and usually that's a sign of trouble rather than anything else. Though now that I think about it, that was only one scene, so I guess take this as a precaution more than anything?

But yeah, it's a little long, but that's my take on this. Also, keep in mind that there are not a lot of titles that really explore the aftercare side of femdom. Most of the shit I see is the Domme just beating and berating the shit out of the MC, but there's very little out there that makes her feel like she actually cares about him. Aftercare is important, man.

Good luck with your game

You're right that the story goes too fast at the beginning, but it's done that way on purpose. At first I was going to create a much slower intro, without any sexual content, developing everything more extensively, but later I thought of doing a faster intro, that would define the game in a few minutes, I plan to develop in the future all the characters (especially Aiko and other new ones that I already have in mind) and also add alternative routes.

Thank you for spending your time commenting on the game and giving a constructive opinion, I really appreciate it.

 

[woodmer]

I really really enjoy this game!!! It is sooo excited to see a new humiliation plus sissy femdom game. I see you may want to do some cockold content in the future, I just wondering is it able to avoid NTR content? Like setting a skip bottom or make a route without cockold? Are you going to make multiple routes? I love this game and looking forward to next update

 

[kossk]

great start, but it would be nice if things like NTR and sissy were avoidable.

 

[ItzSpc]

You're right that the story goes too fast at the beginning, but it's done that way on purpose. At first I was going to create a much slower intro, without any sexual content, developing everything more extensively, but later I thought of doing a faster intro, that would define the game in a few minutes, I plan to develop in the future all the characters (especially Aiko and other new ones that I already have in mind) and also add alternative routes.

Thank you for spending your time commenting on the game and giving a constructive opinion, I really appreciate it.

An easy hot fix to that problem is to make the slow intro you want, with an option for players to skip the intro.
That way you satisfy the people who want the character building, and people like me who want to jump straight into it.
Best of luck with your game.

 

[burn_black]

Finished the intro and I really enjoyed it. In line with the other posters I also would be okay with a slower intro or an option to have one. Otherwise this is basically all my kinks in one game so I'm content.

 

[Pantalyk]

The game looks awesome! Good start! Keep the good work, and don't mind "can I avoid..." comment, there are so few good femdom games out there that you really don't need to make it vanilla.

 

[ItzSpc]

The game looks awesome! Good start! Keep the good work, and don't mind "can I avoid..." comment, there are so few good femdom games out there that you really don't need to make it vanilla.

To be clear, when people are asking if they can avoid a fetish, they're not suggesting that the dev cut the fetish from the game, they (myself included) are asking to have the ability or choice to disable the fetish.

Be it choosing what fetishes they like before the game starts or having the ability to decline that fetish route when the choice arrives.

 

[Zoran89]

You're right that the story goes too fast at the beginning, but it's done that way on purpose. At first I was going to create a much slower intro, without any sexual content, developing everything more extensively, but later I thought of doing a faster intro, that would define the game in a few minutes, I plan to develop in the future all the characters (especially Aiko and other new ones that I already have in mind) and also add alternative routes.

Thank you for spending your time commenting on the game and giving a constructive opinion, I really appreciate it.

Well, the issue with that approach is that you are trying to - as they call it - cash in without proper build up. I mean, I don't know what you are trying to achieve with your game here - is it a proper story or just a quick fap material? Do you want to show a proper relationship or just - forgive me for putting it this way - masturbate to the thought of releasing something? Because if it's the latter, then you can forget everything that I've said. You do you, don't worry about whatever anyone else says, and just do whatever feels good for you. That is a valid option that you can of course take - after all I am just some rando on the internet, I can't tell you what to do, and you are free to question any and all advice I give you. In fact, it would be good to do so - never take someone else's advice word for word, always think it through on your own.

But if you want to do something more, create a more gripping story with characters that people will fall in love with, you need to pay attention to and respect the rules of proper storytelling. One of those rules is that you need to pace your story right.

Let's take Star Wars for example. Why do you feel tension during the Rebel attack on Death Star? Well, for one - you know the stakes. You've seen what the Empire can do, what kind of threat it poses. If the attack fails, the entire galaxy will suffer the consequences of that failure. Why should you care, though? Why not just take the Empire's side - after all, victory for one side means a loss for their adversaries. So we can just root for the Empire, right? But here's the kicker - you do not really know the Empire the same way you know Luke, Leia, Han and others. Over the course of the movie you learn their motives and desires. You learn what type of people/characters they are, and through that, you bond with them emotionally. And because you've bonded with them, when the assault happens, you don't want to separate from them. Because you like them.

Now, imagine Lucas doing the climactic battle at the beginning of the movie. Sure, the effects would be there, as would be the action, but it wouldn't have the same kind of emotional impact that it has right now. You want that impact. That impact is what makes your work memorable. But for your story to have that kind of effect, you need to first show the stakes, introduce the characters and let the audience bond with them. That way, when you introduce the conflict - internal or external - people will remember that conflict. Because trust me, no matter how hot you make the scenes, people won't remember them if there are no emotions behind them.

Like, I've seen a lot of smut. A lot. Just from this site alone, you could probably fill like half a tera of disk space using the filth I've downloaded and watched. I've watched spanking, caning, pissing, femdom, maledom, hypnosis, forced milking, foot worship, trampling... You name it. Not all of it I've enjoyed, some I did. But you know which scene really comes into my mind?

It's the first time you have sex with Lyri in AHITR. A chick whom I've initially hated, to whom I slowly warmed up, seeing as her bitchy persona is just a front, and the first time I sleep with her, it's disgustingly vanilla, but after doing the thing, the game gives me an option to kiss her. So I do, before laying down beside her and going to sleep. This is what you want. But that only works because the writer took their time, not rushing through the story and through the scene. Because I had time to connect with that character. Now, I will not say that that scene is some kind of masterpiece - because it isn't - but it's just to illustrate a point. You can have all the kinks in the world happening in your scene and people will just forget it after 30 minutes. Or you can have a total vanilla scene, but because it had a proper build up and the audience connected emotionally to the characters, it could stay with people for months or maybe even years.

And if you just want to flesh out what type of game you are making, you can do it more subtly. You can show MC watching porn on his PC. You can show MC's fantasies - though I would still hold out with showing the FMC in that role, as you want that initial THUMP when you drop her as the Domme. Or you can just tag it - people should learn to read those anyway. You shouldn't sacrifice story for this. In fact, showing everything you have to offer within the first ten minutes of gameplay can be (and often is) actually detrimental to the overall narrative. Remember, another thing that grips people is mystery - which is why for example lingerie is usually more sexy than open nudity. Show only what you need to show and let people's imagination do the rest - showing everything outright is boring.

Or at least that's how I see it. Again - don't take my advice word for word, I am by no means a professional when it comes to storytelling. You can also disregard it completely. But I think that slowing down and allowing your characters to properly develop prior to making any big events would help with the pacing. As it is right now, I don't think I would give your game more than 5/10. I feel like in the future, you will just tack on more quickly-written characters, and it will just boil down to the choice between the blonde and the redhead or the choice between the foot fetish chick and the SPH chick. And if people refer to your characters as "the SPH character"... Well, they're not very well written characters, IMO.

Cheers

PS: Also, ItzSpc's solution isn't bad either. Have an option to skip right to the meat of the story for those who can't bear it and allow everyone else to read a proper story instead.

PS2: Oh, and one more thing - like BlasKyau said, if you want to make a game about sissyfication, go for it. If you want to make a story pertaining to one particular kink, you should totally do that - in fact, I would recommend that, considering you're new to writing. Don't bother with other characters, don't bother with a thousand kinks. Pick three kinks and one character and try to make a short, but good story about that. For example, let's say that the story takes place over a single month. Plan out major events and an ending, then connect the dots. And when you feel comfortable, then try to expand. If you try to do too much too soon with too little experience, you might just burn yourself out. Don't bite off more than you can chew.

 

[phupdup]

Dear dev

There's a reason why text speed is set as a slider that the USER can change to suit their preferences. Whenever I see you guys override this with a cps setting that is HARDCODED (ie your slow_cps crap) just so you can have some fancy teletype effect and then have that as a manual override on EVERY DAMN LINE, you arouse my ire.

Some of us are speed readers that are triggered by this crap. For us I have nuked all of this with a 0 override in the attached hack.

 

[Croix777]

To be clear, when people are asking if they can avoid a fetish, they're not suggesting that the dev cut the fetish from the game, they (myself included) are asking to have the ability or choice to disable the fetish.

Be it choosing what fetishes they like before the game starts or having the ability to decline that fetish route when the choice arrives.

I think for some people, the lack of being able to avoid it is part of the enjoyment.

 

[ItzSpc]

I think for some people, the lack of being able to avoid it is part of the enjoyment.

That wouldn't be conducive to a healthy relationship if fetishes are forced on you without consent, but I can understand the appeal in a fantasy setting.

All I would say to people who feel that way is to remind them that this is supposed to be a game, so there has to be player choices, alternate routes and consequences, it wouldn't be much of a game if every choice is made for you, or if you're only given the illusion of choice, but in reality choices don't matter like in a Tell Tale game.

Sometimes Devs take the term "VN" too seriously, and whenever their "games" play like that, I quickly realize, lose interest, and drop them. Just my two cents.

 

[betamars]

This is really great stuff, and I love the anime art style. I think there's a good mix of content and player choices, it's not simply a novel. I'm hoping choices impact the story in some way in the future. Very good stuff though! Love it!

 

[Some guy 69]

She's cute! I'm gonna try it tonight!

 

[Deezy88]

Looking forward to this games development

 

[lariso]

Please make so much more of this. I'm rooting for you! Bit of a fast start but good so far

 

[MAKeevchanin]

Interesting game. I'll be waiting for the sequel.

 

[MAKeevchanin]

Translation of the game into Russian.

You must be registered to see the links

 

[Shaaoh]

Really nice, exited to see what's next

 

[Gerhumm]

Why did you have to do it to my girl Kumiko? I'll never look at Hibike, Euphonium the same way...

 

[bolskanLewd]

Why did you have to do it to my girl Kumiko? I'll never look at Hibike, Euphonium the same way...

I'm sorry, but she is very cute!